It’s 5:30 in the morning and I just had so many thoughts on my mind, so I decided to put it into words. I couldn’t think while typing up my English paper, so I thought I’d just write this instead…Windows are open in the den where I am typing, I hide my words under the noise of the road and the cars that pass as the sun comes up…
A couple of months ago, a friend asked me, what was I living this life for? A question at that instant, I thought he was just blatantly asking from nowhere. I didn’t know how to respond, so I answered, I live this life for someone else. I live this life for my soul partner, maybe my future wife, one of my parents, my brother, friends, future children or grandchildren if I ever decide to get married or be naugthy, or maybe if I am ever a researcher, millions of people out there. I don’t live this life for myself. That was the end of it…
This morning, I am thinking about a beautiful girl I never met. This girl is very attractive in my eyes, I don’t even know why. Is beauty really in the eyes of the beholder? Her beauty lyes within some deep sincerity. At the same time, she is hungry for something greater and she’s going to get her hands on it. I never met this girl in this life face to face, I only know of her from this one time view. I don’t even know her, only slight pieces of things that are useless clues. But why am I so attracted to her?
My entire life I have been having problems concentrating on school work. Always a good student, I really never had problems passing. When thinking about this, parts of my history make me want to remove my mark from the earth. I wish I enveloped everything I ever learned and used my full potential, but I didn’t. This week in the semester was my first task, and I failed miserably. I didn’t use everything I had… Nothing is making sense to me… Thank god, today is finally the end of the week.
Maybe, my biggest fear is myself. I have nothing to live for, I hate myself to live for it. Its a lie when philosophers say if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else who exists. I love her, I know. It makes sense to me, this does not come out of naivity, but the heart. Everything that makes me, also breaks me. I don’t like who I am, I don’t think I am intelligent nor do I think I am handsome. I think I am only like a chain of dominos waiting to happen. But what about her? What makes her so special?
Again, I don’t even know if I’ll ever meet her in real life. She goes to school a far distance from where I live life like a scholar. I fear that talking to her will only scare her. I am like the cookie monster, people are scared when they look at that first outlook, but once they start talking to me, I am only a nicer monster, however still a monster. I fear that she will be scared forever. I want to live my life starting today for her, only her. I want to be reborn into Trisiras everyday. With one head, study everything, with another, observe my surroundings, and with the last, get my daily nourishments. Today the air is filled with snow. Inside my boots my toes ache from the cold. But I am happy, thinking about her.
I don’t even know if I’ll ever see her face to face. I don’t even know her. But I want to, I hope her touch is never lost. My fantasies never come true. Maybe, one day she will be a doctor somewhere in the suburbs of NYC, or maybe she’ll be a famous reasearcher, a mother, a lover, and maybe, she will truely be with me. Maybe, I’ll have the fortune to go to med school with her, or in the line of my destiny and her’s, we will both meet up. But each moment of time that passes on after this, I will live and work for her. Life is too complex, just to throw everything away for nothing. Nothing turns into something. Maybe once in a while, we lose touch with what we are actually working for. I sing along with the improbable song in my head, exhaling a warm cloud that is all that remains of a day in the summer when one day I will tell her that I love her.